the fine line between selling ourselves short and being so crazy that we forget to enjoy the slow, simple way

joshua, my dear friend and frequent lover...
it has now been more than twenty-four hours since i first read your most thoughtful of words, the most deep but positive of reflection that i have ever heard. this time, you have instilled a sense of liberation, or at least the beginnings of it, the recognition of the need for it. and how different that feels from the letter i received that morning in concord, the one you stayed up almost all night to write, it was july 3rd in fact, and we were both in a different world then. a world of confusion and contraint, one of simultaneous opportunity and limitation. but for now at least, that moment has passed and we have arrived at a new one, a new intersection per se, of thought and ideas, and i feel that intersection (between the invisible lines of internet connection) between you and i for the first time in a long time.

i mean, to be honest, you were putting me in a hard place for many months. but i was aware and prepared myself, not always to the extent that i needed to, but i understood. and i even think i understood why you were being like that, and i think anyone from the outside could have guessed that you were being affected by so many factors. i mean, i think you can rightfully say that the situation with your parents gives you a constant reason to feel unsettled and an occasional reason to feel angry, frustrated, scared, lonely and a million other emotions that then become restraints on what you perceive as your own self, and your ability to be that self and explore and change as that self. and that is why these thoughts you are having now, the recognition of how you were feeling and how you dealt with those feelings is incredibly empowering. and, like the idea that hate comes from love, hate presupposes love, i think that what you are about to experience will only be possible because you have passed a certain point of self-awareness that will now allow you to shed what it is that is limiting you and break that down in a way that gives you satisfaction.

not selfishly, but in a self-serving sort of way, i am thinking about the next few months and hoping that you will not see your growth as a person requiring you to shed all things that you have in your life, even the really good ones, in order to really engage yourself with the world in a way that feels right. but that would be so paul farmer of you. and i dont think you would be that silly. "I reached the point of accepting our situation, and believe that all this emotion and love for you that fills me will still be there even if I focus on my own endeavors, adventures, and passions." I agree, and in fact i think that our own endeavors are entirely necessary and that seeking those will also allow us to understand better where our endeavors, where our adventures, can be one and the same. i will end on that note, thinking about our future together, but i think for now we should be talking in the spiritual-physical-future and not the nuptial-future. agree?

i miss you, but i am enjoying this way of communicating our thoughts. last night i had a dream that hubert bought gigantic bags of coffee beans, as big as our bed at 11 elm street. i swear i dream in the world imagined by charlie kaufmann, which reminds me, when is he going to release another movie?!?